The Lost Words of Winston Churchill

It has long been established that Winston Churchill was one of the greatest leaders of our time. He was also known for being a great speaker. From stirring official speeches to witty asides, Churchill had an impressive way with words which has never truly been equaled.

What most people don’t know, however, is that Churchill left behind a body of work that most have never heard, or even heard of. The speeches that follow were given by Winston Churchill as he was falling asleep, and they give us a rare glimpse of what this renowned man was like in those minutes of late-night half-consciousness. To get the full effect of what this brilliant mind was trying to say, it is best to read them out loud:

April 22, 1933:
Heeeehhh. Nehoo nauffum amahana fooo. Ahhhhh-huh hmmm. Mmmm. Ahh. (Sniff) Ohhhhh. No. No thank you….Ahhhh. Hmm gbba nffm barmnafnnn.

August 17, 1941:
Whuh. Who said that? Whaaaah. I…I…wasn’t there. ‘Twasn’t me. No. Don’t know who. No. Wheehh. What did you say? It was the calimari. Hgghh? Hgghh. Hgghh, hohhhhh ennnnnnnn. (Exhales heavily) Amnbffn. Wheh. I don’t think so. Madam, if I was your husband, I’d go the do in the drinkmmmmm…

March 12, 1947:
Arrrrhmm. Rrmmm. Hooh. Hooohhhh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Hee hee hee! Oooooooh. Huh. Haugh. Ughhaa. Guh. Mmmnnmmnnmmn. (Coughs.) Ogh. (Hacks.) Gaah. Gaaaaaaaaghhh! Huh. Ooomn. Haggggggk-k-k-k-k.(Makes disgusting guttural noises.) Mmmmmm. Nnnnnn….

January 4, 1950:
Hebeh. Hmm, what? What? Hmm? Oh. Nnnnnnnnnnnn. He-ooh ah hannum. Mah….Mah….MAH! Eh? Ohhhhh. (Sighs) Haahhhhh. Ut. Fubba…Foo. Bnahhvvvbnmeeeafnnm. Plaugh. Gugghhhh, efffffmm. Where’s the whoof dann? Where is it? Have you seen it anywhere? The whoof dann, it’s the hahm nefmnnmnmahh. Ehh. Fnnnn.

As you can see, a lot can be learned by listening to and reading the words of this great political genius of the 20th century. His words can challenge us, teach us, and inspire us. For example, I am now going to go take a nap.

One Day in a Bar

A Scottish guy wearing a kilt walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there drinking it, the guy next to him said, “Go ahead.”

The Scottish guy, confused, asked him, “Go ahead and what?’

To which the other guy replied, “Do something funny. Come on, you’re a Scottish guy wearing a kilt who just walked into a bar. That’s the perfect set-up for a joke. There is so much potential here for something funny to happen. Now don’t tell me you’re just going to disappoint everyone by just sitting there.”

“I’m sorry,” the Scotsman said. “But I just came in here to get a drink.”

The bartender spoke up. “Oh, come on,” he demanded. “Don’t give me that. Just last week I had a priest, a minister and a rabbi come in here. The stuff they did– now that was funny. The week before that I had a midget, a bald guy, and a really old guy in here….Heh heh, makes me laugh just thinkin’ about what they did.”

“Don’t forget about the talking horse,” said the guy at the bar with a grin on his face as he recalled the hilarity.

“And the three blondes,” the bartender said, chuckling.

“Well, that all sounds very funny–” the Scottish man started.

“It was,” said the man at the bar. “They were all funny. They came in here and they didn’t let us down. The German, the Irishman and the Spaniard…”

“…Superman…”

“…the man with the camel…”

“…the Lone Ranger…”

“…the trucker…”

“…the strings…”

By this point they were laughing profusely, as were most of the people at the bar who were regulars at the place and who remembered all these customers of the bar. But before long the laughter subsided and everyone was staring at the Scotsman.

“Um…Did you hear the one about the two bears who met the pope?” the Scottish man tried desperately.

The man at the bar shook his head. “That won’t do. Sorry.”

The Scottish guy frowned. “Knock knock,” he said.

The man said nothing, and everyone at the bar grimaced and looked down at their drinks. Just then three new customers walked into the bar. Everyone looked up.

“Say…” said the guy at the bar. “Aren’t those….nuns?”

The Scotsman quickly slipped out the back.